With the Oscars almost upon us, I thought I would share a post I wrote about the Razzies. I originally wrote it for a certain website I contribute to, but it was rejected due to its sarcasm. Hopefully, you will appreciate it more than they did...
Once an actor or actress lands a role in a Hollywood movie,
they strive to be brilliant. Some achieve this goal and as a result, win an
Oscar, which allows them they to cry onstage in front of millions of people and
let everyone bask in how amazing they are. It’s a special moment.
Other actors also strive to be
brilliant in their role (or at least try not to suck that much), but they fail
miserably and as a result, win a Razzie award. This is also a special moment
because it lets the actors/actresses know they are giant turds of
disappointment and nobody loves them.
But just as the Oscars sometimes
gets things wrong (cough, Crash, cough, Million Dollar Baby, cough) so does the Razzies. Here is our
list of Razzie winners and nominees that actually gave brilliant performances.
Enjoy!
1)
Worst Actor (1988)- Tom Cruise in Cocktail (nominated)
How powerful was Tom Cruise’s
performance as a highly skilled bartender/seducer in the film Cocktail? Well,
let’s put it this way, before the movie came out there was no such thing as
bartenders in the real world (probably.). It wasn’t until Tommy’s turn as a
bottle spinning, glass flipping, happy-go-lucky server of drinks that people realized
how much value such a job would have in society. And thus, bartending was
invented (again, probably).
2)
Worst Actress (2011)- Adam Sandler in Jack and
Jill (as Jill)
Adam Sandler has the dubious honor
of winning both worst actor and worst actress awards for the same movie (A feat
never done before).
And while we will go on record as
saying that we agree with the academy’s choice to lambast the Sandman’s male
performance as Jack (never once in those 90 minutes do you believe that this character
is a 40 something man child who likes to make fart jokes), we stand strong in
our belief that in his portrayal of Jill, he has made a profound statement of
the harsh realities that women face today.
To give an example, in one scene
Jill attempts to ride a horse in front of a large crowd, but instead the horse
collapses under her weight in humiliating fashion. Well thanks to Sandler’s
passionate performance, it becomes obvious that this scene is a metaphor for
the happiness of woman collapsing due to the pressures of society. Subtle and feminist, that’s the real Adam
Sandler that nobody sees.
3)
Worst Actor (1996)- Pauly Shore in Biodome
In a harrowing tale of the human psyche and
isolation, we find a man trapped in a closed ecological system for over a year
with a group of snooty scientists who loathe him. As a result, he begins to
descend into madness and act in bizarre and abnormal ways. At one point he even
imagines he is a duckbill playtupus duck and is best friends with Alec
Baldwin’s disappointing brother.
The critics claimed in their reviews that
they were lost for much of the movie, but they didn’t understand that that was
the point! As Pauly was lost, so were we the viewers. Brilliant stuff here.
4)
Worst Actress (2008)- Paris Hilton in The Hottie
and the Nottie
On the surface, this film appears
to be about a snobby pretty girl (Paris) and her ugly best friend. However,
when one dives under the surface and sees what’s going on here, they realize
that Paris Hilton is both the Hottie and the Nottie. She is the Hottie because
of her physical beauty (that is, if you’re into really skinny girls who
constantly wear sour expressions on their face) and she is the Nottie because
she is a shallow, self-absorbed human waste of trash. This is Paris’s attempt at letting herself
look at her reflection in the mirror and honestly analyze what she sees. Of
course, the judges of the Razzis missed that entirely, but that shouldn’t be a
surprise by now, should it?
5)
Worst Actor (2002) Tom Green in Freddy Got
Fingered
The man
reinvents sausages as musical theater and he gets crucified for it? Is there no
justice in this world? For shame, Razzies, for shame.
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