Monday, January 28, 2013

Holy Shit, The Niners are in the Motherfucking Superbowl!!!

Have you ever had something happen to you that was so huge that your mind couldn't accept the fact that it happened, so you kept forgetting that it happened, and then kept re-remembering that it did happen, and each time you re-remembered it was just as shocking as the first time you found out that it happened?

Normally, this is known as dealing with trauma, because the event in question is usually a tragedy that has occurred in your life that is so awful that it takes your mind a good amount of time to deal with it. I've gone through that before, that sucks.

This however does not suck. This is the opposite of that. This is something that is so amazingly awesome that it is too grand for my mind to comprehend, so instead I forget it has happened, only to re-remember later. Basically this is what I've dealing with every day, 20 times a day, since last Sunday:

Myself: Oh hey there, me, anything new with you?

Me: Not much. Well, except for the fact that the motherfucking 49ers are going to the motherfucking Superbowl.

Myself: What!!??? How the hell did that happen????

Me: Well, they were in the NFC Championship game against the Falcons, who had home field advantage by the way, and were down by 17 points, and then they rallied late in the game and won!

Myself: My God. That's incredible.

Me: Wait, it gets better.

Myself: How could it possibly get better?

Me: Well, the Superbowl is in New Orleans this year.

Myself: But! But! That's where I live now!

Me: I know!

Myself: I just moved there in October...

Me: I know!

Myself:  You're telling me that not more than 5 months after I move to this glorious city that my team follows my lead in the most spectacular fashion possible?!

Me: Yes. That's what I'm telling you.

Myself: Wow, it's almost as if I had a big part in getting the Niners to the Superbowl.

Me: Yes, that was the same conclusion I came to as well.

Myself: Man, I don't even know what to say at this point, I'm actually shaking.

Me: I know, you'll be ok though. Just breathe.

Myself: Hey, maybe I should get tickets to the game, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity...

Me: Haha, you're funny. And broke. So very, very broke.

Myself: Oh right, that's still a thing I'm doing?

Me: Oh yes. It's like your number one thing. And as such, you will not be able to afford the $2,500 tickets, unless you sell your car or something.

Myself: Hmmm, I kinda need my car, though.

Me: Yes, you do.

Myself: So what should I do instead?

Me: Well, personally, I suggest getting a bunch of tattoos, Memento-style, that remind you of what has happened so we don't have to go over this again. Like a tat on your forearm that says: Niners have gone to the Superbowl. And then another one on your chest that says: The Super Bowl is in New Orleans. And then finally another one on your thigh of a cobra choking the life out of a giraffe.

Myself: Why would I get that last one?

Me: Because it would be sweet.

Myself: That is pretty sweet.

Me: I know.

Myself: But I don't think I'm going to do that.

Me: Fine, suit yourself. What are you going to do then?

Myself: I think I'm just going to go to some random bar in the French Quarter right next to the Super Dome and party with a million Niner fans who, even though they are strangers, will be my best friends for a day. And then, after we are done drinking and cheering on our team as they beat the snot out of the Ravens, we will then embrace the thousands upon thousands of jubilant Niners fans as they flood out of the Superdome and into the streets, and we will all become one giant Red and Gold heart, beating in harmony as we hover over the glory of the quarter, basking in the special light that only comes after a Superbowl victory.

Me: That is beautiful, man.

Myself: I know.

Me: You're quite the wordsmith.

Myself: Agreed.

Me: You should probably think about becoming the greatest writer who has ever existed.

Myself: Oh, I'm in the middle of that process as we speak.

Me: Nice.

Myself: Yep.

(awkward silence)

Me: But what if the Niners lose?

Myself: What's that?

Me: I said, what if the Niners lose?

Myself: I can't understand what you're saying...

Me: I'm speaking quite clearly, I am asking what you will do if they- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOINURHGHOIBSAOIRRGHOIJ........ 


Me: (falls to my knees): urghgoibosooef......   (crumples on the floor and dies in a pool of his own red and gold blood).


And that's pretty much what I've been going through since last Sunday. As you can see, it's quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can't say where I will end up in this crazy ride, but you can bet it's going to be a hell of a story to tell afterwards. Until then, my friends, this is Me, Randy, reminding you not to give up faith, your team can make it to the Superbowl too, just like mine did, you just have to be a trailblazing bad ass first and lead by example. Trust me, I should know, I got my team this far. All they have to do is finish the job... which they will. I BET A THOUSAND RIPPED OUT THROATS ON IT!!*

*Much love to MacGruber and Yasar for helping me discover a new way of relieving stress, by ripping out throats.