With the Oscars almost upon us, I thought I would share a post I wrote about the Razzies. I originally wrote it for a certain website I contribute to, but it was rejected due to its sarcasm. Hopefully, you will appreciate it more than they did...
Once an actor or actress lands a role in a Hollywood movie, they strive to be brilliant. Some achieve this goal and as a result, win an Oscar, which allows them they to cry onstage in front of millions of people and let everyone bask in how amazing they are. It’s a special moment.
Other actors also strive to be brilliant in their role (or at least try not to suck that much), but they fail miserably and as a result, win a Razzie award. This is also a special moment because it lets the actors/actresses know they are giant turds of disappointment and nobody loves them.
But just as the Oscars sometimes gets things wrong (cough, Crash, cough, Million Dollar Baby, cough) so does the Razzies. Here is our list of Razzie winners and nominees that actually gave brilliant performances. Enjoy!
1) Worst Actor (1988)- Tom Cruise in Cocktail (nominated)
How powerful was Tom Cruise’s performance as a highly skilled bartender/seducer in the film Cocktail? Well, let’s put it this way, before the movie came out there was no such thing as bartenders in the real world (probably.). It wasn’t until Tommy’s turn as a bottle spinning, glass flipping, happy-go-lucky server of drinks that people realized how much value such a job would have in society. And thus, bartending was invented (again, probably).
2) Worst Actress (2011)- Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill (as Jill)
Adam Sandler has the dubious honor of winning both worst actor and worst actress awards for the same movie (A feat never done before).
And while we will go on record as saying that we agree with the academy’s choice to lambast the Sandman’s male performance as Jack (never once in those 90 minutes do you believe that this character is a 40 something man child who likes to make fart jokes), we stand strong in our belief that in his portrayal of Jill, he has made a profound statement of the harsh realities that women face today.
To give an example, in one scene Jill attempts to ride a horse in front of a large crowd, but instead the horse collapses under her weight in humiliating fashion. Well thanks to Sandler’s passionate performance, it becomes obvious that this scene is a metaphor for the happiness of woman collapsing due to the pressures of society. Subtle and feminist, that’s the real Adam Sandler that nobody sees.
3) Worst Actor (1996)- Pauly Shore in Biodome
In a harrowing tale of the human psyche and isolation, we find a man trapped in a closed ecological system for over a year with a group of snooty scientists who loathe him. As a result, he begins to descend into madness and act in bizarre and abnormal ways. At one point he even imagines he is a duckbill playtupus duck and is best friends with Alec Baldwin’s disappointing brother.
The critics claimed in their reviews that they were lost for much of the movie, but they didn’t understand that that was the point! As Pauly was lost, so were we the viewers. Brilliant stuff here.
4) Worst Actress (2008)- Paris Hilton in The Hottie and the Nottie
On the surface, this film appears to be about a snobby pretty girl (Paris) and her ugly best friend. However, when one dives under the surface and sees what’s going on here, they realize that Paris Hilton is both the Hottie and the Nottie. She is the Hottie because of her physical beauty (that is, if you’re into really skinny girls who constantly wear sour expressions on their face) and she is the Nottie because she is a shallow, self-absorbed human waste of trash. This is Paris’s attempt at letting herself look at her reflection in the mirror and honestly analyze what she sees. Of course, the judges of the Razzis missed that entirely, but that shouldn’t be a surprise by now, should it?
5) Worst Actor (2002) Tom Green in Freddy Got Fingered
The man reinvents sausages as musical theater and he gets crucified for it? Is there no justice in this world? For shame, Razzies, for shame.