Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine"s Day Post

I hope everyone's having a great Valentine's day! I certainly am, even though I spending it by my lonesome. What's that, you say? It's impossible to enjoy Valentine's Day if you're alone?

Well, usually, you would be right. But not in this case. For while I may not have a warm body to keep me company, I do have two special memories to keep me warm and fuzzy all night long. I'd thought I'd share them with you, so we could all be warm and fuzzy together. So without further ado...

Story One

Titled: The Boy Who Was On His Phone and the Girl Who Didn't Care

I was at a party this past Friday up in Santa Barbara. I was up there visiting my brother because he's still in college and I still don't have a real job. Anyways, it's around ten or eleven when, while enjoying said party, when I receive a phone call from my dear friend John (not his real name). Not wanting to be rude, I promptly go outside to the front yard to talk to dear John.

So there I am, talking with John and being hilarious, when a group of girls enter the front yard and make their way to the front door.

 I don't think much of it at the time, until one of the girls (the cutest one, if I may be so bold) comes up to me and gives me a big smooch, on the lips, for like three seconds. Then she darts back to her group of friends and they dart into the party while I am left standing there in silence with my dear friend John wondering what is going on.

It takes some time for me to regain my composure, but when I do, this is what I say:

 "Dude, this girl totally just kissed me."

John tries to comprehend this.

 "Why did she do that?"

"I don't know, I don't think she had a reason."

John thinks about this for a sec.

"Was she cute?"

"Yeah, she was like the cutest girl there."

 "The cutest girl in Santa Barbara?!" John asks excitedly.

I tried to justify my response in my head before I speak.


John: "Well, if she's cute and she kissed you for no reason, she's probably in love with you."

"Yeah, that's the conclusion I came to, too."

John: "So what are you going to do?"

"I was thinking about kissing her back."

John: "Good plan."

And with that, my phone call ends and my adventure begins. I head back into the party and look for my girl. But she is not to be found. So I drink some more beer and talk with my brother's friends and keep my eyes open.

About a half hour later, I find her again. She's in line for the bathroom, waiting patiently, because that's just the kind of girl she is.

Anyways, I approach her and we talk and it's great, and then I go in to smooch her, but not before I give her the classic look that says: "Hey, I'm only smooching you because you smooched me first for no reason." And that's when things go poorly, because she ends the smooch real quick and gives me a look of bewilderment.

That's when I realize this isn't the same girl from before.

And then the bathroom door opens and someone exits and the girl who wasn't who I thought she was quickly goes in.

Whether she ever found the courage to leave the bathroom that night I'll never know, because I promptly hightail it back to the party and forget my troubles.

The end.

The lesson learned: Just because some girl smooches you for no reason doesn't mean she won't be a completely different girl when you decide to return the favor. 

And now,

Story Two:

Titled: Ryan Gosling's Doppleganger

This happened a while ago,  back when I myself was in college, but its memory is still fresh in my mind.

So there I was at this party, when this really cute chick appears. We start talking and, because we're both in college and drunk as skunks, we end up making out. As we're doing this, this other girl, apparently her friend, grabs her hand and pulls her away from me.

"We have to go, Camilla." Her friend sneers at me when she says this.

"But I don't want to go. I like this guy."

"You've had too much too drink," Her friend insists.

"No I haven't, I want to stay." I watch her as she leans in close to say this next part: "This guy looks like Ryan Gosling."

And that's when my head exploded. Ryan Gosling! the sensitive hearthrob who makes women weak in the knees? Why hasn't anyone noticed this before...

And then I remember, I haven't always had this beard (this was back when Gosling had just made it big with Half Nelson, where he sports grizzly facial hair that's rather similar to yours truly). Who would have thought that after all this time, all it took to make women feel faint was to grow a fantastic beard!

While I'm in the middle of this great moment of realizing what a stud I've become, I watch the girl's friend as she too contemplates what has just been said. She looks at her friend for a moment, then she looks right at me, and, while still looking right at me, she says, matter-of-factly:

"No he doesn't."

And then she whisks her away into the night and I never see her again.

The end.

Lesson learned: Just because you happen to look exactly like heart throb Ryan Gosling, doesn't mean that you won't be cockblocked hard by some girl's friend who clearly suffers from blindness.  

...And In case any of you out there are having doubts, I have provided two pictures below. I defy you to accurately identify who is who. Seriously, if you get it right, I'll be your Valentine's Date.  But trust me, it's not as easy as you may think.

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