Friday, March 9, 2012

Aw To Hell With It

So last night I was working tirelessly on the latest story for the blog, which was due today. After several hours of writing, I decided to step away from the computer and come back to it fresh. So I grabbed a beer with some friends, listened to some jokes, made a few more, and then returned to my room to read what I had written. When I was finished, I said this to myself:

"This is the stupidest story that has ever been written and I can't imagine anyone other than a big stupid idiot writing this. If anyone else were to read it, it would probably cause them to get tumors in their eyes. Big fat tumors that have their own circulatory system and maybe even a tooth or two. As a result, ten to twenty people would sue you and claim that your unforgivably horrible story ruined their eyesight and their love life. Because no one wants to date someone who has giant tumors for eyes. It would be far too awkward when they brought them to family dinners and had to introduce their dates to their loved ones. 'Oh this is Darrel, he's a sweet guy but he read a story on the internet that was written by a big stupid idiot who was so stupid he thought he could write, and because of that decision, Darrel now has tumors for eyes.' And the relatives would laugh like it was no big deal, but by the end of the night they would all quietly agree that they didn't much care for Darrel, and a lot of that had to do with his tumor eyes. Which would be your fault. Is that something you could live with?"

So I walked away from my computer feeling dejected. 

But then after I had calmed down and put some food inside me, I decided that maybe the story wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. Maybe I was just being too hard on myself. So I went back to my computer and reread the story. Afterwards, I said this to myself:

"Remember that story you saw on the news the other day, about that guy who had a Komodo Dragon as a pet, even though everyone told him that was a bad idea because Komodo Dragons are wild and dangerous and shouldn't be kept as pets, but he was all like 'naw bro, don't worry about it. This will be great!' and then one day the Komodo Dragon bit him on the hand, and he thought it wasn't a big deal because it was only a small bite on the hand. But what he didn't know was that the saliva of the Komodo Dragon is poisionous. It doesn't kill you, it just makes you pass out after about a day or so. So this guy passes out at his place after about a day or so of getting bit and no one knows this has happened except the Komodo Dragon. And so the Komodo Dragon is like "Don't worry bro, I'll totally call the hospital for you.' But instead of doing that, the Komodo Dragon eats the guy's fucking face. And when the guy wakes up he's all like "Oh bro, what happened?" And the Komodo Dragon is like "Oh, I'm totally sorry about that, I meant to call the hospital but instead I ate your entire fucking face because I am a motherfucking Komodo Dragon and we eat faces, bitch!' And then the guy was all sad because he doesn't have a face? Well, that's how I feel after reading this story, only I feel like my face has been eaten twice now because I had to read this story twice."

So I walked away from my computer again, and this time I decided to get some sleep because it was pretty late and I was tired.

So I woke up the next morning and realized that I didn't have anything prepared for my blog, so I should probably try to just work on the story I had already written and see if I couldn't salvage it.

So I went to my computer and reread it for the third time. Afterwards, I said to myself:

"Oh, this story's not that bad. But it does need a lot of work before it's fit for other human eyes. you don't have the time to do that right now, why don't you just provide links to the work you got published on another website?"

And so that's what I decided to do. Sorry if you've already read these!

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