Alright, so here is the post that I was going to do last week before those Peyton Manning rumors started swirling, quickly turning my world upside down. (Sadly, as I'm sure you all know, he will not be playing for the niners next season, which is too bad. Oh well, at least we got Alex Smith back!)
But onto more pressing matters, let's talk about a certain comedian named Aziz Anzari. Funny guy, nice guy, or so it would seem... but let me tell you a little story about our friend Aziz that will shock and appall you. A story so dark and twisted, it's guaranteed to make you rethink everything you knew about this bright rising star of comedy.
The story starts on a casual weekday night in the city of Los Angeles. At the time, I was currently enrolled in sketch comedy classes at UCB (Upright Citizen's Brigade), which meant I had free passes to most of the UCB shows. Which is why on that particular night, I was standing in line outside of the UCB theater on Franklin Ave waiting to get into the next show. I had been standing in line for a good couple of hours because UCB is a pretty small theater that is always packed to the gills and I wanted to make sure I got a good seat.
Well, around 11:30 they finally let us in. Despite my effort, the best seat I could get was right in the front row. This is always a risky move when you are attending a comedy show because you run the risk of setting yourself up for getting mocked by the comedians. But I had no other choice, so I took my front row seat and just hoped for the best.
So for the first hour of the show I see about 3 different comedians do their thing (usually UCB has improv or sketch shows, but on that night it was more of just straight stand-up comedy), and it's funny and I'm laughing and everything is going fine. But after that first hour, I start to get really tired. I had been standing in line for a good long time, and it was now past midnight, so you can't blame me too much for this.
Anyways, it was at this point that my brain started telling me that it would be a great idea to close my eyes. I told my brain no, that would be a very bad idea, given my current situation.
But you know how brains can be. So sure enough, as the fourth comedian is being introduced by the host, I realized my eyelids were falling further and further down, covering my eyeballs.
I shook myself awake, fighting my brain's urge to sleep with all the energy I could muster. I focused on this new comedian on stage. It was Aziz. I didn't know who he was at the time because he hadn't become big yet.
But I quickly realized that he was a funny man. And his humor actually helped me fight my sleepiness. At least at first. But it wasn't long before my brain repeated its request for sleep. I fought it as best as I could, but I could feel my eyelids getting heavy again.
Somehow, I managed to stop my eyes from completely closing. Through sheer will power alone, I was able to keep them open about a half an inch, just enough to see and enjoy the show in front of me.
I was pretty proud of myself for being able to do this, but that was before things went horribly wrong.
I remember Aziz was in the middle of slaying the crowd with this story about how he tried to kiss this girl who shunned his advances like he was a leper. It was a hilarious story and I was enjoying it greatly, despite my current condition. Anyways, I'll never forget the moment when, in the middle of telling this story, he turned to my section of the audience and his eyes dropped to mine and he stopped his story, mid-sentence, and started to smirk.
At first, I thought I might have been dreaming. You know like when you're at the movie theater and you dose off for a second and you have a quick flash of a dream where you are part of the movie? That's how I felt right then, like I had taken a snooze and now I was dreaming that I was a part of the action.
Anyways, as I was figuring out whether I was dreaming or not, Aziz opened his mouth and said the following to the crowd:
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop the show. But I have to say one thing real quick. That man right there (points right at me), that man, I believe, is the most stoned man I have ever seen in my life! I mean, I've seen a lot of high people at my show before, but I have never seen someone that high in my entire life!"
At this point I was positive I was not dreaming because I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up and a surge of adreline rush through my body. As this happened, the entire crowd of people turned to me and started laughing. I mean everyone is just hooting and hollering at the "stoned" man in front of them. While this was happening, I stared straight ahead, trying to act like I'm not even noticing what is taking place. And then my eyes catch Aziz's for the second time, and he gives me a look that I will never forgot. Now, it may have been because my brain was exhausted, combined with the shock of being mocked by a hundred people, but I swear on everything holy, that look that he gave me was a look that said: I will do everything in my power to destroy you, you scumbag.
The next day I tried to put things into perspective. Surely this comedian didn't want to destroy me, he was just having a little fun at my expense. Nothing wrong with that.
So I let it go and laugh off the whole incident. I even tell my friends about it and how funny it was. It becomes a story we all enjoy retelling from time to time.
And then, about a year later, a certain movie called Funny People came out, along with this little gem. As a result, to this day, when I go out to parties or social events and introduce myself to people, there is a decent chance that I will hear these words said in a high obnoxious voice: "Hey look everyone, it's Raaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnndy!"
And every time this happens, I think back to that night at UCB, when Aziz looked me in the eyes and let me know he was gunning for me.
Since the release of Funny People, Aziz has been quiet in the "destroy Randy" game. But I know he's plotting something. He's definitely plotting something...but whatever it is, I'll be ready. And by ready I mean I'll be powerless to do anything and probably a little sleepy, because I'm always sleepy. The end.